As Usual

As Usual…. I have no idea why WordPress hates me. I can never log into this site. It makes me frustrated and throw my hands up in the air and scream as I pound my pc! I finally got in today but that doesn’t mean that I can later! How many times do I need to change my damn password? Why can’t I comment on the blogs that I read. Every time I try I am informed that my password is not the right one. I don’t know of anyone else that has this problem. Just Me!

So what have I been doing? Not as much as I want to do, that’s for sure. I still struggle with my illness’s but I remind myself that I can cope. Well at least I want to say that I can cope. Some days has just been so hard.

I went to Florida for the first time March 1st. It was great. We didn’t do anything really because my friend was really sick. We managed to get to a few flea markets. I bought a dress that almost fell apart the first time that it was washed. I also bought a bag that I really love. It is dark blue with a paisley design. Perfect for me. I used it as a carry on for my computer coming home. It was just too hard to carry a carry on, a suit case and a computer bag, plus the airlines didn’t offer a carry on. It cost me $45.00 for my carry on at the airport. So on the way home,  I packed what I could in the carry one, put it in my suitcase and put the laptop with my wallet in my personal item. If I get to go back again next year this girl is only taking 1 suitcase and 1 personal item and if I buy anything I will mail it home in a box!

The weather was gorgeous, sitting out on the patio doing nothing but chilling, playing a game on my phone and having coffee or soda, watching the squirrels and playing with my friends little dog was great. Also meeting my friends daughter. I was told when I arrived that the kitchen was off limits. No cooking for me lol. I was invited to make a special pie which was just delicious. I will have to do that again soon. So me being me, I was always taught to help with the meals but they were insistent that I let her daughter cook while she was there. The last week we had lots of left overs and frozen dinners and I was able to at least do that, but my friend was so sick that food was the last thing that she wanted. I finally got her to eat a little and the last night that we were there we had Pizza… Oh YUM!

Our condo was right behind Walt Disney World, Magic Mountain and Animal Kingdom and every night they put on spectacular fire work displays. Most all of the fireworks were very unusual and this year a lot of red dominated the night sky. Here is one of my favorite photos of the fireworks the first night that I was there. I didn’t take the picture as I only had my phone and it did a terrible job at photos of the fire works. So my friends daughter snapped this shot and sent to me. Now tell me, isn’t this just gorgeous?

 

fireworks

The trip home was uneventful. I had to be up at 3:00 am to catch the shuttle to the airport. I had also heard from my daughter on Thursday that my grandson was being care flighted to Los Angeles Children’s Hospital so no sleep for me. I slept all the way home.

My daughter Karyn picked me up at the airport and we brought my suit case home and went for lunch. I had a steak and 2 margaritas. She dropped me off and went back to work. I remember walking into my room and thinking how tired I was. I laid down and couldn’t get warm. I felt like crap. A couple of hours later I couldn’t even get out of bed. My dog kept nudging me until I got up and took my temp. 104 degrees… Oh crap, crap, crap.  The next day on Saturday I was at the doctors. Out of the 6 patients before me that tested negative, I being the 7th patient tested positive for the flu… Almost 3 weeks and 2 doctor appointments later  I finally started feeling better.

My grandson during this time was released from the hospital only to be care flighted once more to Los Angeles Children’s Hospital, this time for surgery. They found that he had a birth defect that should have been caught when he was 2. His small intestine retracted into his large intestine and was dying. So they had to cut it out. A week later he was discharged. I made plans to fly out to California to help with the kids, stay with my grandson and the baby. They booked me a ticket for Monday. They didn’t call before hand to let me know any details and when they did I was on my way to the hospital in severe pain. I said Cancel the flight. Well now I guess that they are pissed and never called to check on me and will not return my calls or messages so I have just given up. It is not like I planned to get sick with a severe and acute kidney infection along with kidney spasms and a very inflamed urinary tract. Another round of antibiotics, and 2 bags of fluids to flush the toxins, I was able to come home during the early morning hours of the next day with standing orders to be admitted if I was no better. They were going to admit me but one of the nurses told me I could call my son to come and get me and he was already there so they released me.

Coming home was for me a good thing. I was able to rest better at home. Karyn took my laundry including my sheets and washed them, made my bed and cooked dinner for all of us. My kids were really considerate of my needs, the whole while I was very emotional because I didn’t know how my grandson was doing since no one would answer my calls or messages. That HURT! Then as I got a bit better I just plain got mad and quit trying to call or text or instant message them. They are pissed because I couldn’t come out to California, but hey they know that I have a lot of illness on my end. They never even checked to see if I was ok or not. It is what it is. I will just wait and let them contact me. There is nothing that I can do about it.

 

So March has not been a good month for me. But even so I am thankful for all the good things that did happen. Adrian was dismissed from the hospital, I had a lot of help from my kids, taking me back and forth to the doctor/hospital and the help cooking and cleaning, grocery shopping and what ever I needed.

Here is looking at April… I am hoping that this month starts a path of healing for everyone. Time for me to say good bye for now. I think that it is time to lay down again. I have an appointment this afternoon and I need to rest some before I have it. I should be cleaning a bit but just not up to it at the time… Take care of yourself…. BB

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By justbeth1011

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

In 1991 I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. I kept it under control with a very strict diet and exercise program. Things rocked on and I had some problems here and there with other things, but for the most part I was good. I didn’t have time to be sick either as I had 5 kids, a home and a husband that kept me going. The one thing that I really loved was walking. I would put on my shoes and take off. When those endorphins kicked in I was a happy walker.

Sometime in the early years of 2000 I had kidney surgery. That put me down but I got back up. Up and away is how I put it because soon after while laying in that hospital bed I vowed that somehow if I survived I was going to be happy. I did get back up and I did get away. I made the decision to end my marriage and I made the decision that I was going to stand up and not be walked on. I left and didn’t look back for the most part.

In 2007-2008 I began to really start to feel ill. I hurt all the time all over my body. I figured that since I was working at manual labor jobs that was what was wrong with me. I worked hard and I kept going. Ace Bandages became my friend. I wore those suckers out. Even when I broke my foot in 3 places I still worked hard. But as always I still hurt. Unexplainable aches and pains. They didn’t keep me down for long. I got right back up. I had kids and they needed a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs and they needed a mom to help provide that. I worked some pretty bad jobs. I did what I had to do. But I was slowly slowing down. I would go to bed exhausted and wake up exhausted. I played it off that I was working hard and I did work hard. I would catch colds and have flu like symptoms often. I attributed that to allergies.

Weekends or days off I would sleep. I could fall asleep and sleep all day and by dark thirty I was yawning and ready to go back to bed. I still made an effort to be this happy go lucky girl but my heart wasn’t in it all the time. How do you smile when your hurting. Doctors told me that all my tests were normal. Everyone has aches and pains as they get older, and I knew that to be true. I struggled along developing high blood pressure, and my diabetes now required medication even tho I was still working long hours and constantly on the go. Still I couldn’t shake this exhaustion that I was feeling. It was even more than just exhaustion. It was a bone weary kick you in the ass tiredness. But I had to push on. I had no choice.

2011-2012 I had to have surgery of a major kind. I had developed Vascular disease. Too many cheeseburgers and fried foods, red meats and you name it and I slowly began to lose my ability to walk. I first noticed it at work one day. I was cleaning cabins and cooking. I noticed that after each bed that I made I had to sit down for a few minutes. When it came time to take out the trash I would have to stop and wait for the pains in my legs to subside so  I could take a few more steps. So this exhaustion was simply chalked up to diabetes and vascular disease.

But with every germ that came down the germ highway I caught it. I ached like I had the flu. I had unexplained fevers, I had a hard time waking up, in a foggy fog that no matter how much coffee I drank could not shake. I had to move several times in those years, and while I loved the challenge of a new place to decorate for owners to enjoy I began to lose interest in it. I was too tired to walk thru and plan, pick out paint colors and tile and light and faucet fixtures. All I wanted was a place to curl up and lay down and stop hurting and please oh please allow me a cat nap. A few minutes to get back enough energy to get back up.

After the surgery I did feel a lot better. I became a little more active but I still had unexplained fevers, I caught the flu several times, I could have made a fortune just off the stock of Kleenex alone. Doctor after Doctor gave me the same old song and dance. I got to where I just didn’t want to make plans for my days off. My relationships with friends and family began to suffer. No one understood when I said that I was tired, or that I didn’t feel well or that I didn’t want to go some place.

My routine was to get up around 7 and stumble to the coffee pot, drink a couple of cups while I surfed the internet. Around 8 I would take my insulin (Yeah I had deteriorated there too) and eat some breakfast. Around 10:00 I would lay down on the sofa and sleep a couple of hours. I would get up and have lunch. Pick up my house, do what I needed to do for the day, lay back down and wake up in time for dinner. By the time that was over I was ready for a shower and go back to bed. 4 out of 7 days this was my routine. Friends and family would stop by inviting me to go some place. Sometimes I did and sometimes I didn’t. Mostly I just wanted to sleep.

Now let’s add some depression in there along with a little or a lot of anxiety to the equation. Let’s also add a little or a lot of anger in there too. “You have to snap out of this” “You gotta pull yourself together” “You can’t keep doing this”…. I would cry but force myself to work thru the pain. I joined committees, I made efforts to visit my family and do things, I volunteered at fund raisers and events, I started to date again. One night at a movie my date woke me up…. another time he and I went out to eat and I picked the food on my plate and asked for a to go box. Another time I went to his house to watch a movie and fell asleep on the bed. He covered me with a blanket and the next morning he took me home. So much for dating.

And those damn fevers, the sore tender and inflamed body parts were to the point that I was a mess. I remember laying on my friend Tena’s couch and falling asleep even tho I only lived across the hall. I couldn’t get warm or I would sweat like a dog. No one understood.

“You need to lose weight and exercise more” my sister would tell me. “I don’t understand since you were fine last weekend”. “You just need to get off of the depression meds, they are what is making you feel bad.” I could explain my heart out but her mind was made up. It is all in my head and I needed to work on it. “Don’t listen to those doctors, they just want to pump you up with more pills”.

2014 I had my left kidney removed. I moved in with my sons. I slept for hours and hours and hours. My wardrobe then as it is today is loose gowns and robes. My skin became more sensitive. I had pins and needles it felt like through out my body. I had times where  I could have nothing touching me.  Not even water from the shower. Not even a night gown or a sheet, nothing. I would just sit by my bed all night doing nothing. Sometimes I would surf the internet. Most nights I just couldn’t think straight enough to even move a little bit because if I moved the pain might ricochet thru my body causing more pain.

In 2015 I had enough. I had a new primary care doctor. I didn’t care for her very much but she told me that I was experiencing Fibromyalgia symptoms. Oh Yeah Right… The head disease. The one that they put a label on you when they don’t know what is wrong with you. Well alrighty then. Time for a new doctor. I wasn’t going to tell this new doctor what that other doctor told me. I didn’t want to give her any ideas. But no way was she giving me anything for pain either. So she sent me to pain management. Good Old Pain Management took one look at me and said. “I think that you have Fibromyalgia”. I was pissed but what was I going to do? Change doctors every time that I didn’t like what they were saying? I told him too everything that I had heard and yeah that mostly came from my sister about it not being real, that it is all in my head and so forth. He said he didn’t know where I got my information but it was as real as any other major illness. He could treat me with Cymbalta or Lyrica or that I could just deal with it. He pulled no punches but as he walked out of the room he looked back at me and said… “Do you have a computer?” I said yes and he said “I think that you need to do some research”

I chose the Lyrica and in 2 weeks I was feeling much better. My mood improved but I still had pain and I still had fevers and I still had the pain of sensitive skin and hot needles and pins poking at me, but not as bad. I stayed on it for a long while until the pain really just kept getting worse. I made an appointment with another pain management doctor because my insurance had changed and they were not taking my new insurance.

I can function so much better but I still have these flare ups and when I get them I just cannot do anything. I seriously can’t hardly move, get out of bed, take a shower, or fix myself anything to eat and if I do then by the time that I fix it I don’t want it. I have times when I am totally unprepared for the flare ups. I can be fine one minute and down and out the next.

Right now I am having a flare up. I was out with my kids this weekend and I knew that I was over doing things but I needed out of the house. It started last night. Most of the day I have had pain in my neck and shoulders. Tomorrow it will move down to my arms and wrists.

If I can manage it then tomorrow I will continue this blog post. There is so much more that  I want to cover… I have just hit the tip of the ice burg. Stay continued…. for now I am going to try and sleep…. Until next time…….

 

By justbeth1011

I am really just tired….

Hi,

It has been a hectic couple of weeks on my end. I took a fall and that had me down for about 4 days, but I am ok. I was just banged up and really just wanted to hang out and do nothing and since both wrists hurt from the fall, I took a break from the computer. I really needed that!

But I also checked in on FB or a couple of places and commented when I could, so I wasn’t completely out of the loop.

The pain pills just seemed to drag me down and so I took as much of a break from them as I could as well. I don’t do well with pills. I have so many that I have to take that there is just something about having to take another pill that really puts me off. I don’t like how they make me feel. I like being alert and in control of my own world. But I do have underlying illness’s that make it impossible for me to not have them. But I can control when to take them and when not too. That is the best part of my pain management that I can say. I have a great team. Sometimes it is hard to say no to the pain. Other times it is easier.

This past week was not one of those weeks. It started out with me taking my dog out to go potty.  My son usually does this but he had to leave for work early so I said I would do it. I am not going to go into step by step description here. I am just going to say that I he saw some other dogs and darted out towards them and I lost my balance and rolled down the hill. It was a little more than that, but that is the gist of it. So I was banged up and thankful nothing was sprained or broken and thankful my dog didn’t get hurt.

I had a lot of time to do a few other things rather than sit at the computer. I had time to read. I had time to watch some Netflix. I had time to rest and to sleep. I had time NOT to worry about cooking dinner or doing dishes or laundry or anything. I had time to work on healing.

Healing not only my body but my mind as well. To give it a serious break from over thinking things and trying to figure out other things. I had time to think about what I would like to accomplish this coming year. Now that was good for me…  actually it was fantastic for me.

I didn’t come to any grand scale ideas, but I did have a few that made me think about what I would enjoy doing more of. I would like to take advantage of the amenities that we have at our apartment complex. We pay for them and I want to start to use them. We have a weight room and a cardio workout center, we have a video library, a Jacuzzi and spa. We have an espresso bar and café that is free to the residents. We have a huge huge huge beautiful pool and fountains, a club house that offers events every month including breakfast/brunch, a pot luck meal, holiday parties… I mean we have a lot to offer and I want to start doing some of it. I can’t very well use the pool right now because it is so cold out but I can go to the espresso bar and café and take what I want and on nice days sit in the sunshine by the pool and enjoy the fabulous water fountains and just relax.

I live in a city that never sleeps. Or at least it never seems to sleep. We have free things to do every week here. Tons of festivals and free museum exhibits and things that are just awesome. I guess that is what I miss most about driving and living in Nevada. In Las Vegas they had these awesome centers and offered free classes from everything from Belly Dancing to Drumming. I miss those classes. But I don’t drive anymore and I can’t get around as easily as I once did with a walker and a cane. I have to depend on someone else to take me places and I am so over that. I want to become more independent. My children worry about me and wish that I would just stay home because they are afraid of me getting hurt out in the world, but look at what happened in my own back yard? I was home… I still fell. Things do happen…

Anyway I am off here to figure out what we are doing for dinner… Wouldn’t it be awesome to go out somewhere that we have never been before and/or someplace where we have never tried a certain food? I love German food… Maybe I can talk my son into taking me someplace like that… hmmm well that is food for thought….. take care until next time…BB

 

 

By justbeth1011

I Deleted

So I wrote this very long blog post today, explaining how I have been feeling lately and after I read thru it I deleted it. Yes the writing therapy helped but at the same time it only helped me. It might have made someone understand me a little better but then again maybe not.

Sometimes it is just better to try and get over things and move ahead. I tend to retreat into my own space and stay there until I can feel like I can move forward. I have had some dark days in the past 3 weeks. Some of them are just so hard to work thru. Some of them resolve on their own and some of them are still going on.

So let me say that I might be depressed but I do know what I am feeling and why and I know how I have to work thru some of my issues. I also know that there is no right way or wrong way to deal with things other than just to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take that step.

Fibromyalgia has chosen this week to kick me in the ass. Not just a little flare up but one that has really reared it’s ugly head. Ohhhh you have the Head Disease… you know the one where people say that Fibromyalgia is all in your head? Well excuse me, but please tell that to my joints in my elbows, knees, ankles and wrists that are swollen and tender to the touch, and to my skin that feels like it is on fire and even a shower hurts. Please tell me that it is in my head that the only relief that I can get is to sit on the edge of my bed naked so nothing is touching me. Not Anything At All.

I have heard it all…  Your too emotional… Uh yeah I know… I can’t help it….. You need to get over it… Well if I knew how I would. …  You magnify everything… You call being in pain and broke and feeling alone more days than not as magnification… OK that is your opinion.  The truth is depression hurts. Fibromyalgia hurts, Vascular Disease hurts, Diabetes is a ravaging disease that hurts, Anxiety hurts, and people who don’t have your issues and does not understand should not try to attempt to cure me. I have doctors that try and have not succeeded so what makes you think that you can?

I am not judging anyone. I am not qualified to do so and wouldn’t want that job to begin with, but it is what it is with me. I deal everyday with some things that are unpleasant and some things I deal with makes no sense to anyone, especially me. If I cry I am too emotional,  if I retreat to my safe place I am escaping reality, if I lash out from pain, inside or out then I am angry for no reason. If the best that you can tell me is to “Get Over It” then obviously your able to over come your issues and good for you. But today I am not going to “Get Over It”. Today I am going to do my best to get thru the day because I know that there is some really good stuff waiting for me in my day and with my pain or without my pain I am going to have a blessed day! I wish the same to you.

 

By justbeth1011

Time To Let Go

Today has been one of the hardest emotional days that I have had in a very long time.

I had a fight with my girlfriend of a little over 2 years. Now in two years you pretty know everything that there is to know about the other person. You don’t always see eye to eye and you always don’t agree over everything, but the first time that you have an actual argument, it is hurtful. On both ends.

The thing is and my question is… If a friendship is as important as you think that it is, isn’t it worth fighting for? Isn’t it something that both parties should try to work thru and try and salvage?

That is what happened today. I was hurt by something that she had done, I called her and tried to discuss it with her, but she kept calling me silly and ridiculous and I asked her to stop and not say that to me when I was just trying to explain my emotions to her. Instead she kept repeating it over and over and said that I was being silly and ridiculous. We hung up and I calmed down, I sent her an text stating that perhaps I did over react. (Humans do that on occasion) and that I was sorry and did not want to be at odds with her. That I was truly sorry, it was not my intention to hurt her feelings.

The reply I received back was “I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t know when or if I will ever talk to you again.” Well alright then… So I replied that at least I did try to apologize and say I was sorry.”

Of course that led my day off to a day of funk, but tonight over dinner, as I was scrambling eggs and baking biscuits I was thinking… “Well some people can and do just cut people out of their life for no apparent reason. Now I would like to work thru this argument and I did feel that my apology was a beginning but you know what? I am not going to grovel. If she texts me again fine and if she doesn’t well then I know that her friendship wasn’t a true one because people fight for what they value. Or at least I do.  I could have been nasty and bitter and say screw you, but I didn’t. I tried to make amends. I tried to fix it and she is the one that said she may never talk to me again. So ok… maybe just maybe in a day or two I will not want to talk to her.

And I have to let it go. But really I am disappointed that she can just turn on a dime and not even have a discussion. I did apologize as I have said but in truth I really should not have done that. The issue was big enough that she should have apologized to me for what she had done, but I tried to be the peacemaker… (That is the Libra in Me) and fix the argument. But not anymore. This ball is in her court and not mine. I will see eventually if she wants to accept my apology but if she doesn’t then I have bigger fish to fry anyway. Who wants to be a part of a one sided friendship? I certainly don’t. And if I can’t be honest with someone that is supposed to be my best friend, what is that really saying?

In other news… It rained tonight… and I loved it. I loved sitting out on the patio watching the rain, hearing the thunder and watching the flash of lightening. I love storms and especially good ones filled with energy, but I shall bypass my love when it comes to damaging winds, hail, tornados and floods. But wow… to feel the energy vibrate around you, to know that the elements are coming together. A cleansing, and recharging the soul. I wish that I had some of my tools unpacked so that I could have set them out and have recharged my crystals and such. I didn’t move from the patio tho. I sat there, talking to another friend to check on her broken elbow and just enjoy the storm.

It is time that I started back with my rituals and work on my BOS a bit more. It is time. This move has taken a month from me that I need to work on to catch up. Samhain was even off this year. I wish so badly that I had a nice private piece of land to call my own for privacy. No such thing living in an apartment. Makes it hard to do things without prying eyes. And forget going sky clad… I don’t anyway but what if I wanted to?

I am thinking of getting a kitten. Cisco is older now and he may mellow out if I bring in a baby. He and the kitty might get along much better than an older cat. I think that I will look around and see if I can find some free ones that need a good home. I am sure that I will have to argue with the boys over a cat, but I feel the need for one. But it is a decision that I will not take lightly or make lightly. I will know when the time is right. When the one that is right for me calls to me. Cisco does not make a good familiar anyway. He is set in his ways.

 

So Mote It Be

Here is a scrap that I did a year or so ago. I think that it is perfect that it showed up on my Facebook in my memories. I need to unpack a few more boxes and set up all of my things so that I am connected better to my path and journey.

It is time for me to close and go to bed and try to put this day behind me and work on a brighter tomorrow. Until later on, I will say good night and BB… I think that I will start posting here more often. It is time to get back into my blogging at part time for now. I am going to pull away from some Facebook groups for awhile and post my pages here and at Google plus.

Take care my friends and have a beautiful Wednesday…. Blessed Be…

 

 

 

By justbeth1011

Here I Go Again….

Uggh sometimes I wonder why I even bother at all. Of course it was all about signing in today and as usual I had to spend about 20 minutes trying to sign in. Why does Word Press hate me?

So I have spent several of my days watching Scandal. Normally I don’t watch series but really this one has grabbed and hooked on to me and I am really enjoying it a lot. Sometimes it is good to get out of the same old routine that I get pulled into.

Besides it is good to get involved with this series to take away the scandal of this election and pretend that America isn’t the laughing stock of the world. I never thought that our country would come to be what it is today.  Not once have I heard from either candidate about some of the issues that are really in need of being addressed. They are too busy slinging mud at each other and truth is they are both up to the neck in the mud. If they had ANY redeemable qualities at all then they have long ago been buried in the dirt.

Enough of this. It is depressing to think that one of these two will more than likely be the next POTUS. I think that it is great to have a woman as a President. But should it be This woman? Or a man that has frequent Melt Downs? In my opinion NO. But no one has asked for my opinion but only want my vote and seriously neither of them have earned mine.

Time to take my dog out and find some breakfast. Until then everyone have a great day.

 

 

 

 

 

By justbeth1011

Look What I Found!

Hi,

I stumbled up on my Word Press Blog. Wow it has been a year since I was here. Actually over a year. Well gee whiz, I finally was able to get my other blog up and running so I hang out there mostly but I am going to come here too for a while anyway.

The problem with my account here is that sometimes it will not let me in. It will tell me that my password is wrong. Then I get frustrated and then a year later I can get back in lol.

I wish I had some amazing stuff to share but not at this time. It is the usual same old song and dance around here. I have moved to an incredible apartment with my sons. It is gorgeous here and a lot to do. My foot will not allow me to do much walking these days so for now I am just trying to settle in, unpack a box at a time and hang out with my doggie. Cisco is just the sweetest little guy ever.

Today I am not really going to do anything. No unpacking or much in the way of cleaning. I have to sweep and mop today. That is a given fact. This apartment is 10 times easier to keep clean as there is no carpet and the air quality is much better. The old apartment was really bad. The air ducts needed to be cleaned and they would not do it and every time the air came on dust blew out of the vents. It made it hard to keep clean. My dishwasher was not in good working condition but the one thing that the old apartment had  that I really miss here is my washer and dryer. I did have a great set at the old apartment. Here we are going to have to get our own. For right now, we have a Laundromat right next door so that is easy enough.

I am tired today. I didn’t sleep well last night. It is hot. We are in the middle of a heat wave so to speak. Back in the 90 degrees F so it is hot but the humidity makes it really miserable. I have the A/C back on and turned down a bit. I can stand some of the heat, but when it zaps my energy then I am done.

Guess I will close for now and think up some good topics to post… Until later, BB and have a great day! Beth

 

 

 

 

 

 

By justbeth1011

Depression, What An Ugly Thing

I come to this blog today because I know that it is a  safe place to vent my feelings. No one comes here to read it anyway so I can feel free to say what I want to. How sad is that? Well things in life can be a hell of a lot sadder in the world so my little tiny shadow of it isn’t significant.

I am not significant.

I don’t matter to anyone, not even my family.

I am not having a pity party, just stating a fact. I know that my family feels and obligation to me and nothing more. If you were to ask any of them they would say differently because it is what would be expected of them to say. How horrible it would sound if they said… “Oh gee, you know I love my mom…. but….”

So I don’t ask them to come and visit me. And I am done asking them to help me. I am done telling them that I need help and they just look at me and say…. “Your ok mom. You just need to chill”. God they don’t get it and how can I expect them to get it when I don’t even get it myself?

Jonathan… Never one to get excited over anything, I know that he struggles with depression as much as I do. He once told me recently that he can never remember a time in his life where he was truly happy. How sad! I do remember times that I was happy. Fleeting but they were there. We talked of therapy, medication and such but it is not real. I don’t care what kind of medication there is out there. It might work to mask the problems  and help make you feel better for a little while but that is all.

People say… “It’s up to you to make your own happiness.” Well true to a degree. No one can be “Happy” all the damn time. But to lose the joy that you find in the things that did or does make you happy is hard. Kind of hard to drum up the enthusiasm to do something when you don’t feel it deep down in your soul. Putting on a “Happy” face might make others around you feel better but deep down it is just an act.

Karyn, Well Karyn is so wrapped up in Joe that she has little time in her life for her own happiness. She feels the biggest obligation to me than any of the others do. I don’t want that for her or for any of them. I want them to find their own happiness in their lives but I really don’t want them to feel that they have to be here for me because it is expected of them.

Laurie… Oh well I don’t even have the words to describe what Laurie does or doesn’t do or feel or even needs. She never calls unless it seems that she needs something from me. To babysit, borrow some money or once in a while to invite me to spend some time with the grand kids.

Matthew… well if Matthew can’t order it done then he gets all pissy. I can’t even talk to him lately without us getting into an argument. Not even to call and just say I love you. Something is always said it seems so I limit my calls to him.

Nathan. Well I am a constant burden to him. It seems that I am always needing something. I interfere with his friends and his free time, his video games or his music or something.

The bottom line is that no one really cares and knowing it is one thing but feeling it is another. I remember a text that someone sent to me once by mistake. It was meant for someone else or perhaps they sent it to me for me to see.

It said “I really don’t like Beth that much, but she is a great cook and always good for a free meal.”

My free meals are over. I am withdrawing, and I am hibernating and if I hurt I will be the only one that knows it. It is better for me to hurt alone than to try and share my pain with someone that really doesn’t care or feels that they have to help fix me.

I can’t be fixed. That simple.

To all of those that are in my life, I have loved you with my whole entire heart and soul. I can’t love you anymore than that.

I really don’t expect to come out of this surgery. I really don’t expect to make it. I don’t want to die, but I feel that my time is up. So if you are reading this, then know that I love you.

By justbeth1011

Labor Day

Beach Play

Hi Everyone,

I wish that I had a tantalizing post to share with you all today but actually I really don’t have much to say. I worked on a couple of pages here and there but for the most part I have been in my room watching some Netflix or reading a little.

I pampered myself with a nice bubble bath today but I didn’t have any wine, but I did have a cup of tea. My allergies are really bothering me and so is my throat so I had a cup called Throat Coat. It is a nice blend with a hint of liquorish and it sooths my throat.

The boys are watching a Wizard movie. In The Name Of The King or something like it. Weird movie. I am not really watching it but I can’t help but listen to it from time to time.  I would really like to lay down on the sofa and watch a really good movie. But tonight is not the time.

I hope that you enjoy my scrap page. It is done from a QP from Edna and Kyra… just gorgeous. I used the kits Sailor Boy, Beach Bundle and Mermaid Paradise. I hope that you like it.

That’s it for me. Cisco and I are headed to bed.. Goodnight. BB

By justbeth1011

Saturday and Scrap Challenges

Mosiac Dreams 2

Good Morning,

I entered a challenge last night called Mosaic and I used a QP from my friend Edna to make the page. I added the mosaic effect but it didn’t come out as planned. I actually like the first one that I did but you could not see the effect at all. So it was suggested that I go back in and play with the sliders and so I did. Well it is a little better but not much.

So then I did another page and in the program it turned out Sweet… but when I uploaded it, this is what I got.

Sea Dreaming

So I give up… I will have to work on this tool project at a later time. Right now I am still trying to enjoy my morning and I have a date with my son Jonathan.

He sent me a text yesterday that said Find something fun for us to do Mom and we will go out and have some fun… so I am still on the hunt. I will be satisfied just going grocery shopping today.

So I have the oddest blister/sore that has popped up on my little index finger. The only thing that I can think of is when I test my sugar I must have hit it wrong or something. It is sure sore. A friend of mine said Watch out for Shingles……. Oh this is just not what I want to hear. I am so afraid of hearing about illness’s because it seems I hear about them and oddly I get them… No I swear I am not a hypochondriac. I am not one to obsess with the sniffles but to see my medical records you would seem to think that I was. I have always had problems. Shortly after birth I contracted Whooping Cough… seems like I have been down hill ever since.

I took a sleeping pill last night and I don’t remember waking up anytime during the night. The only thing about this pill is that it really makes me draggy the next day. It takes me forever to wake up and get moving around. Cisco did not sleep with me last night. For some reason he seems really bent out of shape with me. He wants no part of cuddling with me right now. He is sticking close to Jonathan.

I wish that we would get some rain. It is so hot and dry here. I guess the hurricanes and the tropical storms will miss us. I am glad because of the destruction that they cause but sad in a way because I love a good storm and I know that the grounds plants and trees need the water. The poor birds are miserable. Most wildlife right now are thirsty. It is miserable to be thirsty.

So I changed my game up a little. Instead of Thunderstorm I went with the word Weather…. Here is what I have so far:

Thunder, storm, lightening, rain, rain drops, wind, straightline winds, tornadoes, hurricanes, cyclones, typhoons, twisters, jet stream, clouds, cell clouds, atmosphere, meterologists, weather balloons, Ice, snow, sleet, black ice, frost, Norther, Nor’easter, dew. verga, humidity, heat index, weather storm advisory, wind chill, El Nino, El Nina, and squall. I am sure that there are other weather terms that I have missed. Feel free to let me know if you think of any. Tomorrow I will choose a new word category to work on.

My mom was always one to stay away from water when a storm came up. She was very insistant as she said that water drew lightening. And growing up in Texas, especially in the 70’s we had lots of severe weather. A storm could pop up in a matter of minutes.

One day, it was a Saturday and I was getting ready to go out with my friends I think and decided to take a bath. We didn’t have a shower, just an old fashioned claw tub. I was in the tub shaving my legs or what ever when mama came to the door and told me to get out of the bath. A storm was brewing. I said ok but I lay in the bath a little longer when suddenly there was a huge crash…and a tree came flying thru the window trapping me in the bathtub. I guess that I was lucky because if I had gotten out when mama first came in to tell me to get out of the tub I would have been hit by the tree and probably seriously injured. As it was, I was just trapped under some of the branches and the smaller ones at that. It still did not ease my embarrassment as my daddy and some men had to pull the tree away so I could get out. Thankfully mama handed me a robe and some towels thru the branches.

For a long time I was known as the naked girl in the bathtub…………. Humiliated I tell you, but grateful to be alive!

I guess that this about does it for me today. Speaking of baths, I need to go and get one so when Jon gets ready to go I will be ready. Have a great weekend everyone. BB

By justbeth1011